Remembering Zen

I’ve been sitting here for a while wondering how I even start this story. I’m trying to gather all my thoughts and words but all I know is I just want to share Zen’s story. So where do I begin? Is it the day I saw two lines on the stick or is it during my pregnancy, or is it the moment we found out his heart stopped beating? I can promise one thing, his story doesn’t have an ending. Remembering Zen is just the beginning of a new chapter, a new life.

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Zen’s entire short life was inside of me. We didn’t plan him for long and before we knew it two pink lines showed up on that test. Instantly I fell in love. The love grew even more when we found out this little baby was a boy at 11 weeks. I grew and nurtured my baby boy for 38 long weeks. I loved him from the second I saw that test, before I even heard his heartbeat inside of me.  I can only hope that the 9 months he was inside my womb was comfortable for him. I hope he felt and heard the love we have for him. I’ll never forget his sweet little movements that came in the sixteenth week that then lead to big crazy movements from 20 weeks. He never made me feel alone. He’d wake me up multiple times in the night ready to party or kick me in the bladder. He sometimes loved teasing daddy and kick me really hard and then the second I’d tell daddy to come feel my stomach he would stop instantly. But he loved hearing our voices and he still made sure daddy could feel him as much as I could. He was strong and made his presence known. We could only imagine the personality he would have had. He was so wanted and so loved.

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You breathe a sigh of relief once you reach 12 weeks and are now in the “safe zone” and then even more so once you reach your last trimester.  You hear about stillbirths but you never once think that you would be in that small percentage risk. Once I was 30+ weeks I felt ok because even if I went into early labour my baby would probably live with the amazing NICU care.

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I had a very low risk pregnancy. Although I was very nauseous and probably had every pregnancy symptom possible nothing was ever wrong with my baby. I did every test in the first trimester that showed everything was normal with baby and then confirmed again at the 20week anatomy scan. Everything was perfect; baby was growing the way he should be.

 

Past 30 weeks, the anticipation grows. I remember after my baby shower at 31 weeks, is when everything really hit me. I just couldn’t believe we were going to meet our baby in around 9 weeks time. I started nesting quite early and had the nursery all ready to go, the car seat was installed and I just made sure everything was in place before his arrival.

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I went on maternity leave from work at 36 weeks and thank god I did. I was extremely tired at this point and it was Christmas in the following the week so I had so much to still organise. It was also extremely hot and I became very swollen in my hands and feet during the last trimester of my pregnancy so you can just imagine how uncomfortable I was. After Christmas and new years was done, I had 2 weeks left before baby would arrive. I packed my hospital bag and unpacked the bassinet and had it ready to go next to my bed. You’re ready and just waiting for that beautiful day when they decide to come into the world.

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January 5th

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I was 38weeks 1 day, 13 days away from my due date when I attended my routine check up. It was early in the morning and I hadn’t felt him move yet, however I didn’t really think anything of it as he wasn’t usually that active in the mornings and my appointment was very early.

I was so excited for this appointment. I had my list of questions ready with me to ask the midwife about labour and what to expect in the next few days or weeks. My student midwife was with us and as usual she checked my blood pressure and then went to check Zen’s heartbeat. She was struggling to find it but this didn’t concern us because Zen was always in an awkward position and made it hard to find his heartbeat with the doppler. The midwife then came over and tried for a few minutes and still couldn’t get it. She just told is to wait in the room whilst she went and got the ultrasound machine, at this stage I then started to become a little worried. I looked over at my partner and could see the worry in his face whilst we waited for the midwife to come back. A doctor then walked back into the room with the midwife and the ultrasound machine. I’ll never forget those minutes that felt like hours when the doctor tried to locate Zen’s heartbeat. She then grabbed my hand and said “Olivia I’m so sorry but we can’t find a heartbeat”. My partner and I collapsed. I just wanted to die. I physically felt my heart break in that moment.

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They left us in the room for a few minutes and then they wheeled me to another room to do another ultrasound to confirm there was no cardiac movement. I just remember screaming that it cant be true, I was 38 weeks how does this happen? Why does this happen? I felt him move the night before and everything up until then was perfectly normal. The second ultrasound confirmed what we were dreading to hear for the second time in 10minutes, that our baby’s heart has stopped beating.

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They then moved us into a room where doctors and midwives were coming in and out to discuss what to do from that moment. I had to decide how to deliver my lifeless baby. I didn’t want to make the decision because I didn’t even want to accept it. I was so numb, I just wanted to be put to sleep and have Zen taken out of me. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to meet him, I was so scared. I remember midwives coming in and handing me pamphlets on stillbirths and I just remember throwing them on the end of the bed because it made it all feel so real. I wasn’t ready to accept it and I was still in denial.  

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I went home to sleep on it and I then came back the next day and decided to deliver Zen by a caesarean. Both decisions are extremely traumatic but I just couldn’t imagine myself going through a whole progress of labour and pushing out a lifeless baby. So I decided for a caesarean. The caesarean was scheduled for the next morning. I don’t think I mentally prepared myself for what a caesarean was going to be like. I walked into a very cold theatre room with about 10 sympathetic staff members, my partner, my student midwife and my mum. Before I knew it the spinal block was placed into my back and I was completely numb from chest down. 

 

Zen was delivered silently into this world at 12pm on the 7th of January 2023. I was praying for a miracle that the doctors were wrong and he would come out crying. But he was silent. The loudest silent room I’ve ever heard. I remember lying there in the theatre room as my partner went over to meet Zen and cut his cord thinking what we did to deserve this. Why were we the ones chosen to face this immeasurable pain and loss? Our sweet baby never got a chance. He was so close to entering the world healthy and was ripped away from us. I would of given my life for his in an instant if I had the chance. Once Zen was taken out of me I had a panic attack whilst still in surgery so the Anaesthetist gave me a sedative and next thing I remember I was waking up back in our room. 

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Nothing could ever prepare you for the moment you meet your baby in this scenario. We had no idea what to expect or how long we would have with him. They wheeled him in in his cuddle cot, and he looked like a perfectly healthy sleeping angel. He was placed in my arms and I was screaming on the inside. I touched his perfectly soft skin and rubbed my fingers over his beautiful sleeping eyes. I would have given anything to see those eyes open and looking up at mine. Tears streamed down my face and onto his as I kissed him. We spent 3 whole days with our boy. I couldn’t believe how in love I was with him. A love you can’t explain. I never knew you could experience so much pain and love in the same moment. Immense love that was immediately transformed into grief. 

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We cuddled, kissed and bathed him over those few days and we could only hope that amongst the tears Zen heard and felt our love for him. We will forever cherish our time spent with him over those days. I barely slept for those nights in the hospital, not only was I in a large amount of pain from the recovery of my surgery but I was so heartbroken. I remember waking up one morning and the sun was shining into our room directly onto the bassinet Zen was laying in. It felt so surreal. In that very moment life felt perfectly normal. Just my newborn baby boy, peacefully sleeping next to us. I close my eyes sometimes and I’m taken right back there to that moment. That moment where time stood still and then it took a few seconds for my brain to catch up to reality of this nightmare we are living. This moment of holding onto our lifeless baby. This nightmare of moving forward without him in our lives and everything we had planned with him.

 

Our nurses and midwives were amazing. I am forever thankful for everything they did for us in those tragic days. You don’t know what you’re supposed to do in these moments and because of them we have beautiful memories of our son. They cared for him as if he was living and breathing, they talked to him, dressed him, bathed him, told him how beautiful he was and were our personal counsellors over those days. I’ll never forget these nurses; they made such a lasting impact on our hearts.

 

We weren’t expecting visitors because who knows how to act around this? But they all came. Both my partner and I have big families and everyone came. Our close friends as well. The way they showed up and acted with him, treating him as if he was living and breathing was beautiful. Admiring every little detail of him. It was honestly so heart warming and a moment I’ll cherish forever.

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My heart aches thinking about the moment we had to say goodbye and walk out of that hospital without our baby. But after 3 days it was time to say goodbye. He was changing before our eyes and we couldn’t bear to witness it any longer and it wasn’t how we wanted to remember him. That day we had to say goodbye we sat on my bed and held him, played music that resonated with us three and I tried to take mental and digital photos of every inch of his body. I made sure I kissed every part of him and when we said goodbye I made sure when I walked out the room I kept looking back until I couldn’t see him anymore. 

 

The walk out of the hospital with a momento box instead of your baby will honestly haunt me for the rest of my life. Being brought back to reality and going home without Zen was so heartbreaking. No one prepares you for the heartache of walking into a house filled with everything ready for your babies arrival, seeing your hospital bag already packed, car seat installed and bassinet next to your bed but no baby in your arms.

 

During our time in the hospital we were encouraged to take photos of him and I’m so glad we did. I encourage anyone that ever walks this tragic path to do the same thing. I will treasure our photos with Zen forever and I’m so thankful for “Heartfelt” for capturing beautiful photos of our Angel. Heartfelt is a volunteer organisation who capture precious photographic memories to families who have experienced stillbirth or have children with serious or life threatening illness. Our photographer Helen was amazing, kind and compassionate. She captured 93 perfect photos and by the following day they were emailed through to me. Also about 4 weeks later the photos were placed on a USB and printed and put into a photo album and mailed to us. Photos that we will honestly cherish forever.

 

When you are in hospital over those few days with your baby you are handed a bunch of pamphlets of charities that will help support you, centerlink paper work and also funeral director numbers. We couldn’t believe it. Our son had been delivered just moments ago and I had funeral director numbers on my bed. My partner and I spent a couple of hours on deciding what we wanted to do with Zen’s body, we didn’t realise we had to make the decision quite quickly but because we were planning on doing Zen’s funeral on his due date in the following week and opting for a full autopsy, our decisions needed to be made. We went back and forth for a while deciding on whether we cremate or bury. A decision I pray no parents ever have to go through. After many tears we decided on a burial. We made that decision, as we liked the thought of having a resting place for Zen that we could go and visit and talk to him. The next step was ringing a funeral director and booking Zen’s funeral in for the following week, his due date.

 

To this date my hardest day yet is meeting with our funeral director. It’s just something no parent should ever have to do, plan their child’s funeral. I just couldn’t believe I was sitting in a room discussing with this lady on how our babies funeral would look like. Having to choose a small baby casket for your baby to lie in and pick flowers to be placed on top of his casket. I read a quote that says, “The smallest caskets are the heaviest to hold” and I’ve never read something so true. The only thing that lightened the room that day was being told we could see our baby again the day before the funeral if we wanted to. Another one of my hardest days yet, seeing him again after we already said our goodbyes. My partner and I walked into an empty room with a small white casket on a table. We sat there for a few minutes before we both built up the courage to open the casket. There he was lying peacefully in the beautiful white outfit we picked for him and his little white beanie. We picked him up, kissed him, took photos with him and told him how much we loved him. We both wrote letters to him and placed them in his hands as well as adding in a few teddies, a necklace and photos of us. We gave him one last kiss goodbye and closed his casket.

 

Our autopsy report confirmed I had “Maternal Vascular Malperfusion (MVM)” and “Fetal Vascular Malperfusion (FVM)”. Which basically is a condition with the placenta that doesn’t provide enough oxygen and blood flow to the baby. This unfortunately was only an issue in my last trimester and mainly in the final couple of weeks of my pregnancy. This wasn’t ever picked up in any of my scans, but in saying that I never got a growth scan and my last proper scan was at 20weeks. I did ask for a growth scan around 36 weeks because when bubba was measured by the tape measure around my stomach, he was measuring 34cm which is 2 weeks behind and he was never behind he was always spot on with how many weeks I was. For example at 28weeks he was 28cm, 32 weeks he was 32cm and 34weeks he was 34cm. But at my 36week appointment he was still 34cm so this concerned me a little bit but the midwife assured me it was fine and they can be a couple of centimetres out. I know I can’t go back in time now but I just wish I really pushed more for a growth scan at that appointment and who knows they might of been able to see something then.

 

If you are reading this I hope it’s not already too late, but please educate yourself on how important it is to count your baby’s kicks! I wish I knew how important this was in my pregnancy. Don’t ever think “baby doesn’t have enough room” and that’s why they aren’t moving! That is never true. Baby always has enough room in the womb and your baby kicks should never change no matter how far in your pregnancy you are! Any sort of change to the baby’s movement is a risk and you should always go get it checked. I just wish I knew this because my baby could still be here today. The day before I heard those awful words that my baby’s heartbeat stopped, his movements changed completely and I barely felt him kick all day. I was 38 weeks so I just assumed baby was running out of room in me and that’s why. My gut was telling me to go to the hospital but because I had my appointment the next day I wasn’t that worried and the second I said to my partner “I haven’t felt him kick much today” he kicked me so hard and me and my partner both felt him. I’ll never forget that kick because it’s the last time I felt him move, its like he was saying goodbye to us. There are so many things I wish I knew when I was pregnant and wish I could go back in time, but please just always trust your gut. If your gut is telling you to go get checked then just do so. Don’t let anyone convince you not to or tell you “it will be fine”. I wish I went to the hospital that night before and I wish I pushed more for a growth scan at 36weeks. I have to live with that guilt now for the rest of my life even though I can’t guarantee that would have saved my baby’s life. It’s just always better to be safe than sorry.

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If you are walking down this tragic path I’m so sorry! My heart is breaking for you and I’m sending you the warmest hug. We don’t get to decide our lives or the pain that we go through. Some things are out of control and there’s nothing that we can do. People will keep saying to you “you’re so strong” but in actual fact you feel complete opposite to strong. You have no choice than to get through. Because what alternative do you have? Do not take what people say to you to heart because truly some people have no idea what to say in moments like this. I have heard comments that made me want to scream inside but you just have to understand that people aren’t saying these things from a bad place, they just don’t know how to word things correctly. Comments that have stuck with me the most are “don’t worry you’ll have another baby” or “I’m shocked to see you out and about”. Having another baby will never take away the pain of grieving the one you lost. Also just because you are out and about doesn’t mean you are hurting any less and instead you should be patted on the back for stepping out of your comfort zone. In a short time I’ve learned people really don’t know how to handle grief and will quite often say the wrong thing but I choose to not let it hurt me any more than I already am and shut those negative comments out of my brain. 

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This is a pain like I’ve never experienced before. I honestly don’t know how anyone ever gets through this. In all honestly I don’t think we ever will. We will carry this pain for the rest of our lives. It will never go away, but I hope for a day when we will learn to walk beside it. When I say I will carry Zen in my heart, I quite literally am. With every beat of my broken heart, he is there. I will question it all until my very last breath. We are forever changed and forever broken. We know we have the most perfect angel watching over us, we feel him with everything we do. We just like to believe that our boy was too perfect for this cruel world. That’s the best way to describe him, is perfect. Even amongst the silence in the theatre room when he was delivered, Ed Sheeran “Perfect” was playing at the exact same time he was pulled out of me.

 

We love you forever Zen, and we promise to always tell your story and keep saying your name. You are always a part of us and we will keep your memory alive forever. I promise to always look for you in the signs you send and I promise to love you with my whole heart even if it’s never whole again. I will hold you in my heart always until I can hold you in my arms again.